The Love You’re Longing For Is Within

Tarot Card Interpretations at Bottom of Posting

Dear Friend,

I’ve been longing my whole life for love. To find the kind of love that will hold me no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter who I become. The thing is, when we want love like that we have to be open to the truth it carries. We have to be open to the lessons our hearts teach us over and over again. I have a feeling that this lesson is universal for a lot of people. The lesson is that love you’re longing for actually just comes from within. It comes from radical acceptance of who you are right now and knowing innately that you’re trying your best with the cards you were given. Sure, maybe you’ve done some messed up things, maybe to yourself, your kids, your partner. But at the end of the day you are human, just like us, and we all have made those mistakes and continue to. Being enlightened does not mean all pain and suffering goes away, it simply means accepting that the pain and suffering are actually here to bring about joy and happiness - because you cannot feel extreme joy if you do not know its opposite of extreme pain, everything is a balancing act. It’s hard to think about when you’re in the thick of it, when your mind is deep diving into the endless void of life and everything feels hopeless. Believe me…I know. I’m there now with you. Floating in the void questioning every single thing about my life. Reflecting on what brought me to this moment of pain, to feeling like once again I have lost out on love and happiness. But I know it has been guided. Because I only post like this, I only share myself, when I have nothing left to lose. 

I’ve tried over the years to share my writing and even myself with the world. When I was probably 14 or 15 I started writing journal entries based on Bible scriptures on a site called Kiwibox. I was very religious back then. Raised in a dedicated Christian household, the Bible was all I knew and I was told it was the only truth. When you’re raised in that, even if you might question things like I did, the pressure to be accepted by the people raising you and to secure your needs as a child means going along with whatever is told to you. So I believed, I dedicated myself. I prayed often and I took my journey with Jesus very seriously. That version of me has felt foreign for a long time. 

Exactly 17 years ago, when I graduated high school at 17, I stopped believing in God and subscribing to religion. I started focusing on what I wanted to do in life and stopped handing over my power and personality. It took me a long time to unlearn the toxic habits of religion - the over apologizing, the staying silent, the submissive attitude towards all men. I’m still unlearning, I’m still healing. New lessons and realizations are constantly being taught to me. 

Over the years I’ve tried Twitch streaming,Etsy selling, and even stand up comedy. I’ve put myself out there at countless craft shows and farmers markets, sharing my art and blackout poetry in many different formats. Some might call it brave, but I simply think of it as my life line. My desperate attempts to feel connected to humanity in some larger way. And here I am again…putting myself out there. I’m beyond hesitant. I’m beyond scared. But for whatever reason I feel the call once again to share myself with the world in a vulnerable way. To add my voice to the chaos that is circulating because it doesn’t have to be chaos anymore. We’re in control of our narratives. We’re in control of the news we watch, the articles we read, the people we spend time with - all of this contributes to the everyday thoughts that penetrate our minds and the reality in which we choose to live in. 

This world is filled with MANY realities you can live in. You can choose to live in a virtual world if you want or fantasy worlds that books, movies, and tv shows provide. You can choose to live presently or passively, and the truth is there is no wrong way to choose to live. Because we’re all expressions of “god” of “source” and our desires to live in these realities all stem from somewhere. I’m not here to tell anybody they’re living life wrong. I simply want to be sure everyone realizes they have the choice to live however they want.

Most likely, the desire to live the way you desire to is connected back to the people who came before you, your family. We underestimate how much our genetics play a role in our own longings. But if you take the time to learn your own family history, to sit with the characters who were placed in your life, you’ll start to string together some theories and create connections for yourself that might just set you free. 

I’d like to share an example of this in my own life right now. I went home to Hawaii recently for a wedding. In the past few years I’ve been trying to reconnect with my Hawaiian ancestry, a hard thing to do in a family that has adopted the western ways of Christianity, but every time I’m home I look at my dads book of genealogy that links us back to ancient Hawaiian shamans and royalty. I ask him questions about his grandmother, his family, his story…and in this last trip I learned something really magical. His mother, my grandmother, Louise used to dance hula. But she was never taught hula, this was just something she enjoyed doing. She would get up at parties or events and just dance. Everyone loved my grandmother’s hula, because her smile and her joy was contagious. She was a woman who wanted to have fun and her spirit was very free in this way. But the thing that stood out to me the most was that the men reflecting back on Louise’s life and sharing with me her beautiful dancing were not in any way criticising her for dancing without being formally trained. In fact, it seemed these intuitive movements were actually memorialized in their minds and her dance still held magic. 

So how does this simple memory affect me? 

I grew up dancing hula in the church. It was very controversial actually to have a hula halau in the church, but it was something my parents never had a problem with me participating in (surprisingly). As an adult, I have longed to dance hula again, and though I know the basic movements from the years I danced, I have carried with me a shame about my own expression of dance. I long to be formally trained. I’m jealous of the Hawaiians who grew up in Hawaii and were connected to these ancient art practices through their own lineage and family. I long for that transmission of knowledge and to carry on the beautiful heritage of my ancestors. But in that story of my grandmother Louise I reclaim a piece of my own narrative, of my family's narrative, because didn’t my grandmother live in that same reality I do? Her Hawaiian roots were hidden from her as well and she was never formally trained, but she didn’t let that stop her from sharing her expression with the world. I’ve gotten so stuck in my mind on “what is right”,  “what is respectful”, that I have failed to see the magic in just expressing myself and not worrying so much about others' definitions and expectations. Just because I see the validity in this though, doesn’t mean I am done doing the work. Because now that I’ve realized this, it’s like I’ve been handed permission from my own Hawaiian ancestry to just dance. I can’t do it wrong. I can’t mess it up. As long as my intentions are true and honest, which I know they are, then I must set myself free and allow myself to move my body and to not feel shame when I do. 

This is where the true vulnerability lies, because I’m still digesting all of this. I’m still tackling those inner demons who want me to stay small and silent, to feel shame about the way my body looks and moves. But I also feel more confident than ever in myself and in my own expression of self. So while this post may not be a hula dance, it is my writing - my expression - and I’m going to trust that I can’t mess that up. 

Deck Used - Zodiac Tarot Deck Written by Cecilia Lattari & Illustrated by Ana Chavez
These are the cards I pulled this morning for my SELF spread. I try to do this every day as a way to check in with myself and the different “parts” of myself that often can feel at odds with each other. I use this spread to facilitate a conversation with myself and assess my own wellbeing.

SPIRIT - 4 of Pentacles - Immediately what stands out to me is the sun on the bottom of this card, it’s shining brightly compared to the three other cards in this spread. This makes me feel like my spirit is shining and guiding the way right now. The repeated imagery of a single woman figure in 3 of the 4 cards stands out to me as well, and I’m noting how the woman in the 4 of pentacles is holding a pentacle close to her body. This signifies to me that there is some stability here.

EMOTION - 18 The Moon - The Moon is the journey into the underworld, it’s navigating the void and the divine ups and downs of life. I think this is illustrated in a lovely way with having two figures bobbing in an ocean, because it often feels like that - we can be pulled in any direction at any moment by the tides of life. This is exactly how I feel right now during this moment of transition in my life.

LOGIC - 3 The High Priestess - My mind has been wondering all week if I should launch this blog today, especially since it’s a New Moon. I’ve known for over a year I wanted to launch this blog…but I’ve struggled with finding the courage to do it. This card is just a confirmation for me that today, right now, is the time and I feel that knowing and reassurance in my body.

FLESH - 2 of Pentacles - My body is finally kicking itself out of fight or flight and it’s rebalancing itself to be present and alive again in my everyday life. During this transition I’ve found it hard to eat and sleep, but every day is getting a little bit better and a little more balanced. I am going to trust that my body will continue to talk to me and let me know what it needs to feel safe & loved for at this time.